Late Night Is Thrilled Trump’s Finally Listening to Someone

“The solemnity of the day was in danger of being undermined by former President ‘My Little Phony.’ Two weeks ago, he announced that at the time of the Capitol prayer service, he planned to deliver remarks doubling down on the ‘big lie’ to counterprogram the remembrance events. Yeah, you can’t let remembrance events go on without counterprogramming. The same reason at a funeral you’ve got to bring out an insult comic for the people who are glad the guy’s dead: [Imitating comic] ‘John looks good. It’s the first time I’ve seen him stiff in years! Oh! His wife knows what I’m talking about. Anyway, that’s my time. His, too! Tip your pallbearers.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“It would be like Judas giving a speech to commemorate Good Friday: [Imitating Judas] ‘Sure, it’s a sad day, but without me, none of this would’ve happened. The real crucifixion was on Nov. 3 — Mary Magdalene knows what I’m talkin’ about. Tip your Pharisees.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Donald Trump is canceling an appearance and listening to advice from other people? I’m worried about him.” — JAMES CORDEN

“Republican senators said the press conference wasn’t a good idea, so instead Trump will just spend a quiet day dancing to ‘Y.M.C.A.’ at home.” — JAMES CORDEN

“But according to The New York Times’s Maggie Haberman, the real, real reason is that it was becoming clear he wasn’t likely to get the live TV coverage he was hoping for. Well, that makes sense. Upstaging solemn events rarely gets good ratings. That’s why they canceled ‘Dick Clark’s Pearl Harbor’s Rockin’ Eve.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

In his statement regarding the cancellation, Trump referred to the insurrection as a “completely unarmed protest” and said he was moving the event from Mar-a-Lago to Arizona on Jan. 15.

“I‘d like to point out that they were armed. And when did we start having to say ‘unarmed’ protests? Protests are unarmed by default. That’s like saying: ‘We had a lovely weekend. It was a totally bloodless cotillion.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“It makes sense that he’s moving it from Mar-a-Lago to Arizona, considering their state motto: ‘Arizona: America’s backup Florida.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“So, no press conference tomorrow, but Trump will speak at an Arizona rally on Jan. 15 instead, just as Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted.” — JAMES CORDEN

“There’s an update in the world of Covid: Everyone in the world has Covid.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Speaking of, the C.D.C. announced that after you isolate for five days with Covid, you should take a rapid test if you have access to one. You can read more about it in this month’s issue of Unhelpful Advice magazine.” — JIMMY FALLON

“That’s right, another update from the C.D.C. Even Dr. Fauci is like, ‘Oh, I muted those months ago.’” — JIMMY FALLON

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